duty above all...?

Duty. The meaning of this word becomes clearer to me each day now.

It is my duty to visit my father and smile and comfort no matter how I feel.
It is my duty to be pleasant at all times, no matter how I feel.
It is my duty to pretend to be okay, even when I'm not.
It is my duty to support everyone.

#@!

Seriously, sometimes I just need a breather.

Every time I converse with my mother I feel like the worst daughter in the universe. It seems I can do no right. Grumpy when I brought my grandmother down to the hospital to see my dad, depressed when I see my father lying in the ICU with tubes inserted all over, "tendency to run away when things get unpleasant", don't know how to think for other people, and I'm too loud because I let my heavy bag fall with a thud. Of course I want to make my father happy and keep him worry free for a speedy recovery. But beyond that she can't possibly expect me to be perfect. I have long hours at school and endless deadlines to meet. When I'm tired and my grandmother insists on visiting my dad, she can't possibly expect me to be happy or even neutral about it.

Seriously, sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. Being alive is too tiring. Why does she expect me to be forever patient and considerate under these circumstances?

A day hasn't gone by without me crying. Seems to be mostly due to things she says. Maybe it's just me being extra sensitive due to the situation. I duno. Every time someone says something remotely negative I seem to get upset and want to cry. Yet, every time someone says something positive I'm more than over the moon.

I just hope this time will pass quickly, and I pray that God will give me the strength to see it through.