WHAT THE $#@(*$#%^&__)(*&^%$#@$%^&*()_
and i still dont think i've accurately expressed my sentiments about failing one stupid quiz.
WHY? why am i so affected by it?
argh. maybe its cos i've nothing much else to live for, or to count as achievement.
##!!#$%%#@!$%^^%#!!#%%^^&*(*(

insane urge to blog, blog down, so here.
i always seem to have tons of things to blog about but i never seem to write them down. so shall try for once.

things with the boyfriend: status quo. he's so sweet, so kind, so understanding and wonderful. but the times we spend arguing theology are just. so. BWARGH. i guess i should be glad that he's a christian, but i know it's not enough. relationships should be another way of glorifying God. and well, going to the same church is important cos it creates the same vision and all. but i don't know, i'm just going to give the whole situation time.

school: -_-

suddenly nothing to say anymore. oh dear.

but just this to say: i wanna glorify Him, and not just on a sunday. failing quite badly tho.

boyfriend problems

frequent usage of private blog indicates great turmoil in writer's life.

pfft. problems never seem to end. now it's the boyfriend. the list of problems with said BF seem endless. BF seems pissy and gets angry and shouts at me at slightest provocation. very unlike him as he is usually endlessly patient and tolerant, as a BF of mine must be. but nowadays i am accused of snapping, and this and that and AH! tis unusual.

am not the best GF in the world. au contraire, in fact. if there were an SPCBF they would be after me. my boyfriend is somewhat of a maid, confidante, blah blah. he packs my room, runs errands, listens to my problems... the list goes on.

however, this jack of all trades seems to have gone haywire of late. must be the exams. but seriously, last thing can deal with with dad in hospital is pissy boyfriend. selfish as it sounds, would rather have no boyfriend at all.

also, i feel being in this relationship is affecting my spiritual life. but thats another screwed up story altogether. screwed up. why can't God just send a chariot down and take me up to Heaven like elijah? i know why! cos im not even 0.00001% of what he was.

foooooooooosh. eggs and benedicts.

duty above all...?

Duty. The meaning of this word becomes clearer to me each day now.

It is my duty to visit my father and smile and comfort no matter how I feel.
It is my duty to be pleasant at all times, no matter how I feel.
It is my duty to pretend to be okay, even when I'm not.
It is my duty to support everyone.

#@!

Seriously, sometimes I just need a breather.

Every time I converse with my mother I feel like the worst daughter in the universe. It seems I can do no right. Grumpy when I brought my grandmother down to the hospital to see my dad, depressed when I see my father lying in the ICU with tubes inserted all over, "tendency to run away when things get unpleasant", don't know how to think for other people, and I'm too loud because I let my heavy bag fall with a thud. Of course I want to make my father happy and keep him worry free for a speedy recovery. But beyond that she can't possibly expect me to be perfect. I have long hours at school and endless deadlines to meet. When I'm tired and my grandmother insists on visiting my dad, she can't possibly expect me to be happy or even neutral about it.

Seriously, sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. Being alive is too tiring. Why does she expect me to be forever patient and considerate under these circumstances?

A day hasn't gone by without me crying. Seems to be mostly due to things she says. Maybe it's just me being extra sensitive due to the situation. I duno. Every time someone says something remotely negative I seem to get upset and want to cry. Yet, every time someone says something positive I'm more than over the moon.

I just hope this time will pass quickly, and I pray that God will give me the strength to see it through.

Dear God

You're the only one whom I can really turn to.
Please make my daddy better.
Please help me not to put so much stress on myself.
Please help me to be less selfish.
Please help me not to sink into depression.

Thank you for making the operation a success.
I trust in You and I believe that You will see my daddy through.
I believe You will make him better.
Thank You Lord, for bringing me this far.

Please help me not to fall into temptation.
Please help me to wait.

Please help my relationship survive.

Please help me.

Thank You Lord. I know that You will always be here. I know that You love me. Please see me through this difficult period.

Also, even though my friends seem to have forgotten me, I pray that you will watch over them. For those who know You, draw them closer. For those who don't, I pray that You will one day show them Your goodness, grace and love.

Amen.

quiet solitude

always an exhibitionist. but now i just want privacy. so hello little hole on the web.